bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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