we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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