i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
