That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
