As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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