thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
