Im at strip club and am horny
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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