We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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