cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
