Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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