I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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