i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
