It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
