my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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