Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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