Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
