tonight lets celebrate not being married
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
