I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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