You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
