When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
