Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
