this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
