I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
