i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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