Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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