yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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