I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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