I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
