I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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