Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
