2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
