I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
