Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
