He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
