Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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