I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
