never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
