You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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