I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
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A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
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Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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