I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
