It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
