I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I need to align my fucking chakras
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
