my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
