I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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