Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
