guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
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He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
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Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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