my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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