Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
