i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
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I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
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Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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