i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
