why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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