i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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