the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
