WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
