I like my sex mixed with concussions.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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