Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
