The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
