I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
